Here Is Some Jokes To Brighten Up Your Monday!

[Kevin Beachy]

A lady went to a store and got a stick of deodorant.  When she got home, she noticed the label "push stick up bottom). She later told here friends she can't walk very good any more, but her farts sure smell good

 

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat-grinder?

 

Answer: He got a little behind in his work 

 

Where was Sally after the bomb blew up?

 

Answer: Every where!

 

I hope that brightens up your day!

 

~Kevin

[sprint61]

Thanks for the chuckle this morning.

[halochef]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. 

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" 

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[RoLo]

Two old codgers have known each other for decades, and shared many adventures together.

Now old and feeble, they were reduced to playing cards together once a week.
At the card table, one man said to the other: "Now don't get all bent out of shape, but your name slips my memory"

There was a loong silence, then the other codger finally replied: "How soon do you need an answer?"

 

Roger

[halochef]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM 

I would have given him 100%!!!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle 

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page 

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * Liquid 

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * Marriage 

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * Exams 

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner 

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half 

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet 

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night. 

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. 

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands 

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built. 

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.    

 

[Redlinerobert]

hardy har har...

[RoLo]

hardy har har...

 

Is that you JG? 

[Darren.]

Good fun, Kevin. Thanks!

[halochef]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the
community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of
the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want
you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for
all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my
family for six generations" said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"


The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The
lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A
hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying
watch.


They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful
watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"****" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior citizens' Center and Claude was
never invited there again.

[Kevin Beachy]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the

community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of

the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his

waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want

you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for

all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my

family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The

lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A

hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying

watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful

watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"****" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior citizens' Center and Claude was

never invited there again.

Didn't get It at first, but It is very funny!

 

~Kevin

[halochef]

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 no report