Step Children

[clayton86]

So I've been seeing this girl started when me and the wife split the first time then got back together when we split this last and final time so of and on for 2.5 years now. Were getting pretty serious I have moved in but she has a 5 year old son who is a complete little ******* to put it nicely...

He's been spoiled rotten never gets punished and if he does my gf goes running after him saying sorry and coddling him!! Me on the other hand am raising my kids like I was raised I just don't have a big class ring I feared being back handed by. I will spank my kids and yell at them and I don't go hugging and kissing them 30 seconds later.

Not sayin my kids are perfect but hers is just soooo bad I constantly catch him in lies trying to get my kids in trouble.

I've been biting my tongue and I don't yell at him or punish him I leave it up to her to do but it doesn't work. I've talked to her about it and told her if things continue me and my kids are leaving and not coming back all because her son.

Those of you that have step kids is it a phase and they get over it or am I gonna have to deal with this for as long as I'm with this girl. I so badly want to yell at this kid or beat his rear end but I can't.

I had to spank my son last night because he kept jumping on the couch after repeatedly being told not to and several warnings and the whole time her son was doing it and never got in trouble just told to stop about a million times. My son has yet to jump on the couch today and that devil child does it everytime me and his mother turn our backs.

[clayton86]

And it's not just me thinking better of my kids she has lost 3 baby sitters one of which was her family because her son is such a brat and doesn't listen when other kids are around.

[gardnerjigman]

Gonna have to be blunt with her and make her understand that you moving in there made you assume a "father" roll on her child. Work out an across the board punishment ( meaning punish her kids just as you would yours)

It's a rocky road, but better to work it out now.

Good luck

[F14A-B]

Get rid of the GF.. Your kids deserve better IMO

The environment should be fair to all children and not half... This will breed resentment and you don't want that..

Get rid of the GF..

[gardnerjigman]

Get rid of the GF.. Your kids deserve better IMO

The environment should be fair to all children and not half... This will breed resentment and you don't want that..

Get rid of the GF..

After the blunt sit down with her, this would be my move if there wasn't a significant improvement.

[A-Jay]

This is obviously a package deal and at least half of it is tainted.

 

Believe it or not, there are suitable mates in this world, somewhere.

 

It's all about decisions.

 

btw - check your pockets one time - there is a good chance there's a Freak Magnet in one of them.

 

A-Jay

[deaknh03]

This is obviously a package deal and at least half of it is tainted.

 

Believe it or not, there are suitable mates in this world, somewhere.

 

It's all about decisions.

 

btw - check your pockets one time - there is a good chance there's a Freak Magnet in one of them.

 

A-Jay

I found one of those one time, in an ex girlfriends pocket.

[BrianinMD]

There is no way a relationship like that will work unless something changes. It will come between you if its not resolved one way or another. And you run a big risk of ill affects with your kids as they grow up seeing this. Time for a blunt talk, if it doesn't get better time to move on.

[slonezp]

This is obviously a package deal and at least half of it is tainted.

 

Believe it or not, there are suitable mates in this world, somewhere.

 

It's all about decisions.

 

btw - check your pockets one time - there is a good chance there's a Freak Magnet in one of them.

 

A-Jay

Without those magnets dating would be boring. The crazy gene has its benefits, but we can't talk about it here. 

 

Clayton, if you choose to make a long term thing out of this you're going to have to gain the respect of the child. You also need to discipline and reward your kid and her kid equally. If the new lady doesn't allow you to do that, it's time to move along. I've been my daughters dad since she was 6. She's now 25 and still needs a good kick in the rear once in awhile only now I do it with words. She's graduating college next week so I must have done something right..

[clayton86]

We had a pretty blunt talk last night I told her my kids arnt allowed over anymore if this behavior continues. She broke down crying not wanting to loose me and I told her if things don't change she will. She wants me to stop spanking and go the talk it out and time out route..... That crap don't work her son is perfect example along with 75% of the brats out there today.

She broke down again today when I got home from hunting asking where she went wrong raising Collin and thinks she should have had another kid so he wasn't so spoiled. I told her she would have had two rotten kids then lol.

I've dated a few girls with kids that where complete disrespectful brats. Every one was the same they push the kid pushes back and they cave and just give up. My ex wife is the same my boys walk all over my ex but when I'm around they listen most of the time I rarely have to ask more then once or twice other then from my three year old but he's getting better.

At the same time I hate being that mean parent that kids fear but my boys still love me and are all lovey when it's bed time so it can't be that bad.

[gardnerjigman]

We had a pretty blunt talk last night I told her my kids arnt allowed over anymore if this behavior continues. She broke down crying not wanting to loose me and I told her if things don't change she will. She wants me to stop spanking and go the talk it out and time out route..... That crap don't work her son is perfect example along with 75% of the brats out there today.

She broke down again today when I got home from hunting asking where she went wrong raising Collin and thinks she should have had another kid so he wasn't so spoiled. I told her she would have had two rotten kids then lol.

I've dated a few girls with kids that where complete disrespectful brats. Every one was the same they push the kid pushes back and they cave and just give up. My ex wife is the same my boys walk all over my ex but when I'm around they listen most of the time I rarely have to ask more then once or twice other then from my three year old but he's getting better.

At the same time I hate being that mean parent that kids fear but my boys still love me and are all lovey when it's bed time so it can't be that bad.

The talk it out crap doesn't work. Both my girls get spanked. 5 and 3. I've also seen parents spank their kids easier than they slap a bug. That really doesn't work.

My aunt has 2 children that I can't stand and my kids will no longer be around because of this. They are raised under the sweet talk, bribe, never spank rules and are freaking monsters.

[clayton86]

The talk it out crap doesn't work. Both my girls get spanked. 5 and 3. I've also seen parents spank their kids easier than they slap a bug. That really doesn't work.

My aunt has 2 children that I can't stand and my kids will no longer be around because of this. They are raised under the sweet talk, bribe, never spank rules and are freaking monsters.

Yup that's her son she spanks him some time but yeah it's weak. Now I'm not saying leave Mark's knock em senseless but they gotta feel it. My boys are 5 and 3 also and my daughter is gonna be one on the 27th she is already becoming worse then my boys were at that age.

[F14A-B]

Disipline, law & order are good things... But you are right, kids often take advantage of mom's.. Nothing new there. Kids want & need toughness in the parents, of course within reason. Your a Military Man, right? You know it's necessary & important. Time out is stupid!

[Jolly Green]

That's not a phase, that's five years of parenting that doesn't line up with your own parenting philosophy.  The reality is that even in the case of your own kids you only have so much control over how they behave or how they turn out, no matter how diligently you teach and discipline them.  People can certainly change, but that's a lot of change that everyone involved will have to make, and in the end what you yourself contribute to that process may not matter a lick.

 

Take the enormous challenge of bridging the gulf between your respective parenting styles, the equally daunting challenge of bringing her kid around to accept different expectations and consequences, and add them to the already numerous difficult baseline adjustments that merging families go through, and you've suddenly got a lot to manage, and manage well.  But wait! Now add to that her kid's father, his role in the kid's life, his parenting style and influence in general. Oh, and all the various grandparents, too. If you're still thinking, OK, this is worth it to me to pour in 110% and hope for the best, you're brave, but now go look at your kids and ask yourself if it's worth putting them through all that when the possibility that it's going to end badly for all involved is very real and only fractionally within your control to avoid.

 

Personally, I'm out the door already.  There are plenty of women out there whose parenting styles match your own more closely.  While sometimes opposites attract, I'm a firm believer in finding as much agreement as possible because the differences WILL present themselves eventually.  Consider yourself lucky that this one came up sooner than later and move on.

[gardnerjigman]

Yup that's her son she spanks him some time but yeah it's weak. Now I'm not saying leave Mark's knock em senseless but they gotta feel it. My boys are 5 and 3 also and my daughter is gonna be one on the 27th she is already becoming worse then my boys were at that age.

I went to my dad when it was time to do span kings and asked him for help. He explained if the span king makes them mad, it doesn't help at all. You gotta do it hard enough it hurts to get the point across. Otherwise you might as well do nothing.

[Chief 2]

Kids need discipline. How else are they to know right from wrong. When my wife and I met I had two kids and she had one. Her daughters who was four at the time we met wasn't horrible, but my wife would let her get away with way more than I allowed my kids to. The wife and I addressed the discipline issue by discussing ways her daughter could/should be punished and she would deal it out. I saw the wood spoon get used more than a couple of times. My kids on the other hand knew that if I gave them the look they better straighten up. Hardly ever hit my son, but my daughter got it a little more often. Girls! We have been married 20 years now and my stepdaughter is getting ready to give birth to her second daughter. She has turned out to be a great kid, but she needs to tighten up her parenting skills or she will be dealing with a couple of brats in the years to come. The most important thing in your life should be your kids. If the GF can't get it together than maybe it just isn't meant to be. Good luck!

[deep]

Wow man Clayton, some of your posts remind me how lucky I've been (so far anyway).

 

No useful inputs from me, but I sincerely hope you sort this out. Good luck.

 

P.S. I didn't know you had a daughter too!

[Bluebasser86]

All the bad luck you've had with women and you're trying to get serious again?? Glutton for punishment??

[Teal]

Hey Clayton, it's been a while buddy. I hope you are doing well.

I've been blessed. My wife and I are on the same page with my son. Even when I on the road working, she is steadfast in our way of discipline. We spank our 4y/o. We also use a mix of talking when we can get away with it.

You in a tough spot. But it is relatively simple. Obviously you two are not made the same way. She is taking the easy rout as a parent and giving in to children. You see the discipline even if it sucks as the parent as an investment; your kids will turn out ok.

To me, unless she makes a serious change in parenting, she is not a compatible mate. Simple as that. You don't want years and tears invested in something that is destined to not be right.

Keep your head up, keep the dialog going, and keep your kids as your first priority

Clayton, you are a good dad. You Will do whatever is best. I got faith it that.

[flyfisher]

I think you should have worked all this out way before moving in with her.  How to raise a kid and parenting styles/discipline is very important and even more so in your case since you are disciplining your kid different than her kid.  

 

I have a 4 year old and try my best not to yell and rarely if ever spank him.  My thought is if i am modeling to him that when you are upset  it is ok to yell at someone and hit them how am i teaching him anything?  now that is just me and i know everyone sees things differently but there are more than one way to skin a cat and you have to find what works.....

[gulfcaptain]

The talk and time out only works when they know if they don't behave they will get spanked.  I had a rough time with mine when he was small.  Yes I had to break him and disipline him with spanking, but now the thought of him getting a spanking is all it takes. I grew up with "tough love" and respecting my parents or I got the belt.  We can't use belts now days....or switches for that matter.  But once you have their respect and know you will follow through with the punishment they seem to get it and understand at which the talk and time out works fine.  And mine also know that everything they have isn't theirs.....IT'S MINE.  I just let them use it and Daddy givith, but also with takeith away just as fast.  I wish you the best but it is a tough road to try and co-mingle two families when there are two different standards of discipline.  Hold your ground, your kids are the most important item in this discussion and if her lack of disipline and control of hers will cause issues with yours, then you have no choice but to walk away if she can't understand your concerns and reign in her child.  

[Teal]

The talk and time out only works when they know if they don't behave they will get spanked. I had a rough time with mine when he was small. Yes I had to break him and disipline him with spanking, but now the thought of him getting a spanking is all it takes. I grew up with "tough love" and respecting my parents or I got the belt. We can't use belts now days....or switches for that matter. But once you have their respect and know you will follow through with the punishment they seem to get it and understand at which the talk and time out works fine. And mine also know that everything they have isn't theirs.....IT'S MINE. I just let them use it and Daddy givith, but also with takeith away just as fast. I wish you the best but it is a tough road to try and co-mingle two families when there are two different standards of discipline. Hold your ground, your kids are the most important item in this discussion and if her lack of disipline and control of hers will cause issues with yours, then you have no choice but to walk away if she can't understand your concerns and reign in her child.

This! We are the same!

[clayton86]

I think you should have worked all this out way before moving in with her. How to raise a kid and parenting styles/discipline is very important and even more so in your case since you are disciplining your kid different than her kid.

I have a 4 year old and try my best not to yell and rarely if ever spank him. My thought is if i am modeling to him that when you are upset it is ok to yell at someone and hit them how am i teaching him anything? now that is just me and i know everyone sees things differently but there are more than one way to skin a cat and you have to find what works.....

I moved in first and didn't have custody of my kids and still don't officially yet but this last week and a half I have had them everyday. My ex wife has basically abandoned them again no shocker there and she is flat broke all her paychecks and child support from me has gone up hers and her bfs nose so I have kept the kids and am not giving them back and she's not even fighting it other then she expects money still.

The gf and I had another long talk about it yesterday after I took my kids to my mothers for the night and her son wanted to go also as he has in the past and I told him no. Her son and my oldest cried and cried and cried because I told them they needed some space because they weren't getting along and leaving jack out. She said he freaked out and apologized and promises to be good now.

I told her I will believe it when I see it. I told her I'm not gonna hold back anymore on her son I'm not gonna spank him but it rarely comes to that just my voice alone usually makes most snap to even adults when I get that bark in my voice when I yell most stop and start listening.

[gulfcaptain]

If you're going to keep them and she isn't fighting you, make sure you get it through the courts and let them know.  That way you don't get hit with big past due child support payments because you withheld.  

[clayton86]

Wow man Clayton, some of your posts remind me how lucky I've been (so far anyway).

No useful inputs from me, but I sincerely hope you sort this out. Good luck.

P.S. I didn't know you had a daughter too!

Things have been pretty good lately actually still bad luck but not like years past.

My daughter isn't biologically mine. When me and the wife were split two years ago she got knocked up and the two possible fathers took off on her. We worked things out and I was there towards the end of the pregnancy and basically adopted her. Most people when they see her call it out right away she ain't mine even my oldest boy has picked it out and is asking why she has darker skin and dark hair when him and his brother are fair with blonde hair. But she calls me daddy I've been the only father figure for her for a year now she turns 1 on the 27th.