Father Surfaced After 55 Years

[mcgreggor57]

My father left my mother shortly after I was born.  Thankfully she met a wonderful man who adopted and raised me from the age of 3. He introduced me to fishing and gave me (and mom) a life we never would've had. Sadly he passed away in 1993.

 

Fast forward to last fall.  I got a phone call from a second cousin saying my father's family had been looking for me for several years.  My birth certificate at the county courthouse reflected my name change and social media helped fill in the blanks.  This has been a weird ride.  We connect every so often via video chat and about once a month on the phone.  He's not in the best of health but is determined to make the annual family reunion here in KY.  I told him if he was going to attend, so would I.

 

First mistake was sharing the "found him" info with mom.  She's still very bitter and I regret telling her.  Needless to say, I don't talk about it anymore and she doesn't ask.  The reunion is coming up in a month and I'm not real sure how I feel about it.  I intend to make the trip because it probably means more to him than me.

 

I struggle with hurting my mom versus satisfying a biological instinct to meet the man.  I can honestly say my feelings are more of pity for this guy than anything else, but there's still the need to know a bit more about him.  He's never made any comments that lead me to believe he's sorry for abandoning us.  Never any conversations of any substance.

 

He's not in the best of health and this will probably be my only chance to meet him face to face and I don't want to regret not taking advantage of it.  

 

If anyone has ever met a parent/child for the first time late in life, I would appreciate some perspective. 

 

Thanks,

 

Gregg

[F14A-B]

Well, God Bless You. That's all I can add.

[Smokinal]

I don't have any advice but just want to say that I hope things work out for the better, whichever way you go, for you and your Mother.

Best wishes

[tomustang]

Tell him you'll be there and never show up.

[flyfisher]

I am adopted and have been with my parents since i was about a year old.  Many times my parents asked me if i wanted to meet my biological father or mother and i never did nor did I want to meet them.  I was never bitter about it but to me why should i want to meet them, i mean it would be like meeting another person for the first time.  they didn't raise me, all they did was have sex and get pregnant.

 

Fasat forward to about 5 years ago.  My mom and dad still stayed in contact with my biological parents from time to time to help them out etc...and my mom called me to say that my biological father had died.  When i heard the news i felt like i should be upset but i wasn't in the slightest bit.

 

You may be wondering why I am saying all of this but it is to say do what your heart tells you that is right.  For me, meeting my biological parents would mean nothing but to you there is something there that you would obviously regret if you didn't make it happen.  

[Hi Salenity]

He's your Dad, I'd at least want to see him but I wouldn't feel like you owe him anything...

[Chief 2]

Go see him so he can meet the person, you, that he missed out on knowing all these years. His loss!

[sparky241]

Any chance you could meet him outside of the reunion?it may be easier if mom isn't aware that you met him, but I would definitely meet him at least once

[Bluebasser86]

If it were me, I'd go. You owe him nothing but I think you owe it to yourself to meet him at least once so you won't spend the rest of your life wondering. 

[SPEEDBEAD.]

He's your Dad, I'd at least want to see him but I wouldn't feel like you owe him anything...

 

I 100% disagree with the first part. He's his father. The man that stepped up, adopted and raised him is Dad.

 

I 100% agree with the second though. To the OP, I'd only follow through with it if it's for YOUR peace of mind. You don't owe him anything at this point. If it helps you with some sort of closure, then go for it.

[mcgreggor57]

I 100% disagree with the first part. He's his father. The man that stepped up, adopted and raised him is Dad.

 

 

Exactly!!

 

Thanks for the responses all.  Meeting him outside of the reunion would require more effort, time and money that I really want to put into it.  If it weren't for this, it's doubtful I would ever see him in person.  So far, it's been nothing more than getting to know complete strangers.  While he's not much of a talker, his caregiver and family are a hoot.  LOL   I'm mainly maintaining contact with that side of the family to gather medical histories and get some answers to other 1/2 siblings I might have.  Plus, for good or bad, he is also a part of my mother's history.  I have to think at some point they loved each other as they were married for several years before I came along.  

 

Growing up, mom never hid anything from me.  As a matter of fact she saved all the scrapbook stuff from those early years saying this was my history.  Maybe this is a way of getting some closure as I have no desire to form a relationship with him or any of my new found cousins.

[Hi Salenity]

I 100% disagree with the first part. He's his father. The man that stepped up, adopted and raised him is Dad.

 

I 100% agree with the second though. To the OP, I'd only follow through with it if it's for YOUR peace of mind. You don't owe him anything at this point. If it helps you with some sort of closure, then go for it.

Yep, I definitely worded that wrong

[SPEEDBEAD.]

It's cool man. This is just something that hits home for me. I've got a sperm donor that I haven't seen in 25 something years (I'm 34). The man that stepped in and raised me has been "Dad" for as long as I can remember.

 

I have no interest in ever seeing him again.

[00 mod]

OK, here is a second way to look at all of this:

 

My Dad was married before my Mom and had 2 kids.  His wife at the time(not my Mom) ran around on him and took his 2 kids out of state.  At the time, for Fathers to get visitation rights, you had to live in the same state, and he was financially not able to move and not willing to do so to leave his sick Father.  He tried for 2 years with a lawyer to get visitation and countless dollars to no avail.  The other lady ended up marrying the guy she ran off with and he adopted my half brother and sister.  Their Mom, lied to them about how awful my Dad was (drinking, abusive, you name it).  I have never seen my Dad consume an alcoholic beverage in his life.  Anyways, they grew up thinking their Dad abandoned them and was a horrible person.  I am not saying my Dad is perfect, but he certainly did not do any of these things.  My half-brother finally contacted my Dad once he was 18 and realized that it was all lies and we have all had a great relationship since.  My half-sister just finally realized this early this year, and is planning a trip to come see my Dad soon.  She has now realized that even though their mother was good to them, she was the one to blame and it was all lies.  To see my Dad crying like a baby on Father's Day because after all of these years, they finally realized he wasn't a bad person was something I will never forget.  He tried every so often to get in touch with them, and like I said he is not perfect, he was never able to because they never wanted to talk to him.  He certainly could have tried more and more often as they got older, but it was a very hard subject for him to even bring up.  So I say give him a chance.  They were both grown adults before they knew their Father, who has become the Dad to one and is striving to become the Dad to the other. 

 

 

 

Just sayin

 

Jeff

[Sam]

Please go and meet him.

 

If you don't it can haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

Ask questions. See how he has aged. Find out about medical problems that he has and you may have as you age.

 

Satisfy your curiosity.

 

Let us know how it turns out.

 

All the best. Our thoughts are with you for a successful reunion and the answers to those questions you have been wanting answers to for 55 years.

[BassAddict1911]

Like a couple people have already said, do what you feel that YOU should do and what makes YOU happy. Your mom doesn't have to see him, but that shouldn't keep you from doing so. I guess the most important thing is doing whatever gives you peace of mind. Best wishes Buddy!

 

[FirstnameLastname]

That's deep man, too deep for me. I'll answer when im wiser and older. Good luck.

[mcgreggor57]

Well, this past Saturday was the family reunion of sorts.  Mainly a bunch of 2nd, 3rd and 4th cousins (200 ish) on my maternal great grandmothers side that were pretty far removed.  Don, however, made the trip from NC down to KY and I was able to finally meet him face to face.

 

We probably spent about 7 hours with him, his caregiver and a couple of his first cousins.  Looked through a bunch of old pictures, visited some family graves and made some idle chit chat.  He teared up when we first met and then again when I said goodbye.  As for me, I can honestly say there were no feelings.  Perhaps a slight satisfaction in at least having met the man but certainly no sense of family.

 

[Felix77]

If it were me, I'd go. You owe him nothing but I think you owe it to yourself to meet him at least once so you won't spend the rest of your life wondering. 

 

Agree 110%.  If it is eating at you now it will always linger in the back of your mind if you don't go.  You owe it to yourself to get what you can from the experience.  Worst case ...  you might not get any answers or hear something you didn't want to but even that is better than having lingering doubt, curiosity or regret IMO.

 

Best of luck man!

[TNRanger]

Go see him.  It will change your life.

[FirstnameLastname]

It's a good it sounds like it all worked out. At least you won't have to wonder now.

[Redlinerobert]

I for one am glad you went to meet him.  As mentioned before, this could have been the only chance you had.   Regardless of what happened, what choices he made, perhaps at the time that was the best thing he could have done for all involved. 

 

Forgiving is tough sometimes.  It takes a big man to be able to do it.  Sounds like you did.

[Oregon Native]

Diggin up bones is tough....very tough.  Now it's done and water under the bridge and happy times for ya ahead.

[Skeeter Dan]

I agree With Jeff. I searched for my oldest son for 15 yrs.  My father told me to leave it be but in my heart I had to know. I found him and at the time I had almost wished I hadn't. He was 15 and alot of trouble. It broke my heart but I never quit loveing him. To make a long story short He lives in middle Tn and I live in west Tn. I talk to him aleast three times a week and he comes and visits as often as he can. I'm so Glad I never Gave up on him I always hoped he would straiten up and he did and now I very proud of him.

[Lund Explorer]

I for one am glad you went to meet him.  As mentioned before, this could have been the only chance you had.   Regardless of what happened, what choices he made, perhaps at the time that was the best thing he could have done for all involved. 

 

Forgiving is tough sometimes.  It takes a big man to be able to do it.  Sounds like you did.

 

Agreed!

 

The only thing left to do is to go home a hug his DAD!