Having A Tough Time

[Jake P]

I am not one to speak openly about my feelings when it comes to my father. Especially with immediate family and friends. I just feel like I need some perspective from people who will not just tell me what they think I want to hear.

My father was a part of my life when he wasnt on tour. When I was about 8 my parents split for good. He started downhill from there into drugs and alcohol. We have been rocky from then on. I will spare yall the details but he has said and done some pretty horrible things to my mother and brother. I cant remember him really being that way with me. But I feel like what he has ever said and done to them he has done to me by association, if that makes sense.

Now to the issue.

I have not seen my dad in 5 years. He has never met my wife or kids. My brother stopped talking to him about 6 years ago because he couldnt take the verbal abuse anymore. Well, I get a call from my dad 2 weeks ago telling me he is in the hospital ad has been diagnosed with COPD. He is nearly immobile because he cant breathe and is not doing well at all. Then, Friday night, I get another call saying he is back in the hospital because he thought he had a mini heart attack. He tells me he has been diganosed with Congestive Heart Failure and his liver count is very high. They ran brain and lung scans also just to do a full checkup.

After some deliberation my brother and I took the 3 hour drive to the hospital this morning to see him not knowing if it will be our last time or not.

I guess I have avoided my father because seeing and talking to him brings up bad memories, and good memories which hurt more than the bad it seems like.

I am used to seeing my dad run a business, play in clubs and bars on the weekends and do odd jobs like cutting and selling firewood in the winter. Seein him laid up in a hospital bed with swollen arms and legs, having trouble breathing and needing help to get to the bathroom has really got me messed up. I havent had anxiety in years until today.

I dont even know if I have a question to ask or just needing to vent. I'm just having a hard time with all of this and Im not sure how to go about it. Its hard to move past some of the things he has done but I want to be there for him as much as I can. I just keepin thinkin how he was never there for me when I needed him for most of my life so why should I go out of my way for him?

Thanks for listening yall.

[Bluebasser86]

That's a rough situation man. I have no experience in that situation but I'll share my feelings on it. Despite your past with your dad and his mistakes he's still your dad. It sounds like he's in bad shape and may be trying to make amends for his past mistakes. I think if it were me I'd give him a chance and maybe get the chance to have some kind of good memories of your dad instead of just the bad things that have happened in the past. Hope everything turns out well for you.

[tomustang]

I've seen this before, many more bad scenarios than good. Some people just want sympathy, very few change...

[Bankbeater]

Like BlueBasser said he is still your Dad. Had the same thing happen in my wife's family with her Dad. My bro-in-law and my Father-in-law hadn't spoken in 7 years when he passed away. At the funeral there was still a lot of anger and bad feelings inside my bro-in-law that you can still see today. If nothing else you can have a clear conscience about seeing your Dad and talking to him.

[preach4bass]

You have two options:

1. Forgive him of the things he did in the past and try to enjoy the time you have left with him. When he dies you will have no regrets and a clear conscience. Is there a chance that you'll get hurt in the process? Yep.

2. Allow his sins of the past to haunt you for the rest of your life. You can ignore him until you read about his death in the newspaper, and you will be eat up with guilt. There is no chance of getting hurt with this option. Instead, hurt is a guarantee.

When we forgive someone, we aren't letting them off the hook. We're letting ourselves off the hook. Please be there for your dad. It will be awkward, painful, frustrating, and disappointing at times. But, it will also be rewarding.

[K_Mac]

Preach4bass is right. The only one you can control in this situation is yourself, and you will have to live with how you do that from now on. Forgiving your father doesn't give approval to his past, it allows you to turn loose of the pain and anger that lives in you. My parents made some really bad choices. It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that they did the best they could. When they passed I was at peace with them and myself. I wish you well and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[MrSwimJig]

preach4bass is correct. Forgiveness is the answer here.

[retiredbosn]

Preach said what I was going to, regrets and what if's are the things that eat us the most as we age. Forgive and let him go with a clear conscience. I suggest this for you and your future, not his. Its about you being able to be healthy, happy and at peace. Good luck

[Nitrofreak]

I wen't through this with my mother, I was kicked out of my family by her some time ago, 2 years after that happened, my father went to have a pace maker put in, a normal routine, but the sad part is he never made it off the table, I had no idea he was going for the surgery, no one let me know, my sister or my brother never bothered to contact me as well, my brother called me after the fact.

My dad and I were once close, I found out later that my mother lied to him and told him that I shunned the family and wanted nothing to do with him, 5 years after his death, my sister calls me, she is sending her twin boys off to the military as it was their wish to do so, my family joined their family for a picnic, my mother asked me for forgiveness of what she had done, I forgave her on that day, but it was a hard pill to swallow, 2 days later she past as well, my brother and my sister both tried to get the house without having to include me, to this day we do not speak and hatred runs deep between us.

However a hard pill it is to swallow, believe in what you are doing to be the best for all, including yourself, no matter the decision you make, make it with no regrets and stand up for it, if it still does not change, know in your heart you gave everything to better the situation you have, it's up to them to follow through and choose the path that lay before them, it may not be the same path you walk, but sooner or later, I can promise you this, they will cross again.

Good luck and be safe !!!

God bless my friend !!!

[Dwight Hottle]

I dont even know if I have a question to ask or just needing to vent. I'm just having a hard time with all of this and Im not sure how to go about it. Its hard to move past some of the things he has done but I want to be there for him as much as I can. I just keepin thinkin how he was never there for me when I needed him for most of my life so why should I go out of my way for him?

Thanks for listening yall.

You are having a tough time. I'm sure talking about what has happened will help your situation get better. You should go out of your way for him not because of him but for yourself. Preach4bass gave you some good advice as have others. Good luck getting through a tough situation.

[ww2farmer]

Tough for sure. Been there, done that with a poor excuse for a father. When I am faced with the same situation, it will be time for the past to be the past.........at least in that moment. Visit with a smile on your face, and walk away with your head held high when it's over. You can't change what has been done, if anything you will set a good example to your kids on the kind of person they should try to be.The better man always takes the high road.

[fishking247]

i have no experience like this but just remember he is your father and nobody can ever replace him. i wish you the best of luck

[deaknh03]

Kmac is right, to forgive him is to allow yourself to move on, holding onto this only really hurts you. If you care to, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a great read, and an even better reread. It has a lot of relevance with this situation.

[Stasher1]

I am not one to speak openly about my feelings when it comes to my father. Especially with immediate family and friends. I just feel like I need some perspective from people who will not just tell me what they think I want to hear.

My father was a part of my life when he wasnt on tour. When I was about 8 my parents split for good. He started downhill from there into drugs and alcohol. We have been rocky from then on. I will spare yall the details but he has said and done some pretty horrible things to my mother and brother. I cant remember him really being that way with me. But I feel like what he has ever said and done to them he has done to me by association, if that makes sense.

Now to the issue.

I have not seen my dad in 5 years. He has never met my wife or kids. My brother stopped talking to him about 6 years ago because he couldnt take the verbal abuse anymore. Well, I get a call from my dad 2 weeks ago telling me he is in the hospital ad has been diagnosed with COPD. He is nearly immobile because he cant breathe and is not doing well at all. Then, Friday night, I get another call saying he is back in the hospital because he thought he had a mini heart attack. He tells me he has been diganosed with Congestive Heart Failure and his liver count is very high. They ran brain and lung scans also just to do a full checkup.

After some deliberation my brother and I took the 3 hour drive to the hospital this morning to see him not knowing if it will be our last time or not.

I guess I have avoided my father because seeing and talking to him brings up bad memories, and good memories which hurt more than the bad it seems like.

I am used to seeing my dad run a business, play in clubs and bars on the weekends and do odd jobs like cutting and selling firewood in the winter. Seein him laid up in a hospital bed with swollen arms and legs, having trouble breathing and needing help to get to the bathroom has really got me messed up. I havent had anxiety in years until today.

I dont even know if I have a question to ask or just needing to vent. I'm just having a hard time with all of this and Im not sure how to go about it. Its hard to move past some of the things he has done but I want to be there for him as much as I can. I just keepin thinkin how he was never there for me when I needed him for most of my life so why should I go out of my way for him?

Thanks for listening yall.

Do what's right (and you already know what that is), and live your life with a clear conscience.

Also...

Be the man, husband, and father you wish your dad had been, so your kids don't have to feel what you're feeling right now.

[Bassn Blvd]

Preach for Bass is dead on.

Let me ask you this question. What advice would you give your son if he asked you the same question you are asking us?

[NorcalBassin]

You've already received some great advice. We cannot expect to be forgiven for our mistakes if we are not willing to forgive others for theirs. COPD and CHF are progressive diseases and he could genuinely want to make things right before he passes on. Best of luck Brother.