The 4 Words Every Man Hates To Hear

[greyleg33]

Men don't talk to women. They've got girlfriends and relatives for that.

[Lund Explorer]

You need only to remember the retort:

Your Sister's Are Bigger!

-or-

Your Sister Is Thinner!

Whatever - Just make sure to mention her sister.

[River Rat316]

I'm not married but I would think that "I want a divorce" would be the most expensive 4 words.

Expensive but happy words...ooops did I say that

[Stasher1]

Ya know...I'm pretty sure this thread isn't going the way the OP intended.

[Jake P]

Some that i have come to be afraid of:

Are you kidding me?

Oh, I dare you.

Stop while your ahead

Theres more but i cant remember them. Im sure i will hear them within the next week.

[BASSclary]

How about "Its me or fishing."

I chose fishing.

[Long Mike]

Ya know...I'm pretty sure this thread isn't going the way the OP intended.

Well, the OP is another Old Fart like me. It's going to be either bad news or ignore news. 99% of the time it's ignore news. That other 1% can be a real beech, though.

[dave]

Speaking of the OP...it's been three days...

[preach4bass]

Speaking of the OP...it's been three days...

We might want to send out a search and rescue team.

[moguy1973]

"We are having twins"

[Daddyodo]

Ok I'm back.......not as bad as I thought it would be. We have two girls, one starting Middle school and the other starting High school. The wife wanted to talk about how we were going to handle grades, activities after school and dating. As far as the dating goes that's easy.Every boy who ever comes to the house will be introduced to a baseball bat that I had inscribed with the words "PROTECT HER" I will give them the speech about how they are to treat my daughter while she is with him and what I expect yada yada yada. Afterword I will show him the PROTECT HER and explain that while she is with him it is his job to take care of her and protect her, and if he does not he is going to get a very up close and personal look at the PROTECT HER. If he touches her in an in appropriate manner he is going to get introduced to the PROTECT HER, If he treats her disrespectfully he will be introduced to the PROTECT HER , if he neglects her he will be introduced to the PROTECT HER. By the way.... did I mention that he is going to get introduced to the PROTECT HER anyway? To end the conversation I will explain to the spry young lad that if anything happens to my daughter I will have NO PROBLEM GOING BACK TO PRISON

Oh yea, my wife also asked that I pitch in around the house more. I think I can handle that. What"s the saying: HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY HOUSE

[scrutch]

I could handle most of the other four word phrases, but I think the phrase that would make me go postal would be "I'm not a woman".

[CHRGD]

Here is a start to the dating part of your problem, I looked it over, I think it's pretty well "cleaned" up,

TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

A slightly expanded version of what's been 'out there' for all of you with daughters...or even for that matter, sons.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,

and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS______! _______ __________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain:

_____________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married: ____________________________

If less than your age, explain:

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __ Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend: _______________________________________

How often you attend? ____________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________

E: What do you want to do IF you grow up?

______________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

______________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

______________________________________________________

__________________________ _________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

__________________________ _________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you

injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating:

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you' d better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.

If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be

falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open

minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten

sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date

with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me

elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of

the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely

back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is

okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished

with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If

you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer

than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,

holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,

midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my

daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one

chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not

trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming

in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns

as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain

sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then

return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Daddyodo]

Here is a start to the dating part of your problem, I looked it over, I think it's pretty well "cleaned" up,

TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

A slightly expanded version of what's been 'out there' for all of you with daughters...or even for that matter, sons.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,

and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS______! _______ __________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain:

_____________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married: ____________________________

If less than your age, explain:

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __ Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend: _______________________________________

How often you attend? ____________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________

E: What do you want to do IF you grow up?

______________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

______________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

______________________________________________________

__________________________ _________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

__________________________ _________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you

injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating:

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you' d better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.

If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be

falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open

minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten

sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date

with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me

elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of

the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely

back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is

okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished

with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If

you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer

than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,

holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,

midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my

daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one

chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not

trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming

in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns

as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain

sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then

return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I am pretty sure I just pee'd myself I am laughing so hard Thanks, that was awesome!

[clayton86]

that was pretty good I'm gonna have to save that for IF and WHEN I have a daughter I'v got 2 boys. I like rule 4 however lol.

[Captain Obvious]

You need to invest in the trunk monkey

[CHRGD]

ROTFLMAO!!! Too funny.

[scrutch]

You need to invest in the trunk monkey

I love it! I always wondered what they did with Michael Jackson's pet monkey after he passed.

[Daddyodo]

You need to invest in the trunk monkey

LLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT

[Clint C.]

Hahaha the trunk monkey is great.