Traveler2586

I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home... That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ' Some SOB wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' 'Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' 'No sh*#t?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

LOL, Sam you could have gotten a lot of posts out of that... It's a good one.

This may have been posted, but a search failed to find it..... So this rich guy takes his new dog hunting with his rich pals He lets the dog go, and the dog stops and stomps his paw 3 times Sure enough, 3 birds fly out of the bush Then the dog goes further, stops, and stomps his paw 4 times.. Sure enough, 4 birds fly out of the bush The dog does this all day, and when it was all over, one of the rich hunters says.. I have to have that dog.. How much? The owner thinks and says, 50K! The guy takes out his check book and buys the dog on the spot. Next Sunday he wants to show his new dog off to his other friends He takes the dog out,, and the dog stops.. Then the dog runs over and starts humping the new owners leg Then the dog runs over and picks up a stick and shakes it around The new owner tries and tries again and the dog does the same thing Everyone is laughing at the new owner for spending 50K on the crazy dog Finally, the new owner takes the dog back and demands a refund. He tells the previous owner.. "I sent this dog out and all he does is hump my leg and shake a stick....I want my money back, you cheated me" The previous owner says.. "You big dummy, the dog is saying there are more frikin birds out there than you can shake a stick at"

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si', Senor, that's the one." "Oh My! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse??? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Si', Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!!! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the frack? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Si', Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod." She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. SILENCE ... LONG SILENCE ... VERY LONG SILENCE. "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s#$%."

**Anniversaries ------------------------- Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today." Joke PM sent.

LOL, YESSS !!!!!!!!!!! I just loaded Google Chrome to try it. I'm on the hunt for a good web browser, if anyone has a suggestion please PM me rather than discussing the subject here as this thread is for jokes which I'm starting to think IE falls into that category. End of subject.

What the frog???? It wasn't me!!! When I clicked "Post", nothing happened - at all. I may have clicked three times, I don't know; but the screen said "Saving" and never changed so I gave up and closed IE. I'm not Blond, or senile...... just old.

Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

For those of you in the Northeast...... Cold Winter The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?" "Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely." "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected. "That's true; but you have all the equipment." THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

The wife just walked into the room....... Oh,, Dear....... "the airline just called........" "why do they want to know if you'll be needing a return ticket from Guam?????"

PM it to me please, I didn't get a chance to see it.

Ya, you have to PM the good ones to your friends.

No wonder men are happier. NICKNAMES · If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah. · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman . EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.. · When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Men can't have babies... Wedding Plans...woman's dress...$3000 Man's Tux rental...$100 bucks Woman plan every detail.... men just take a shower & show up...

WT*, how do you flip something like that??????

One time there was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing and his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island. When the Coastguard found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers. He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you." The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve. Eventually he calmed down. The man arresting asked him, "Out of curiosity, What did it taste like?" Tthe fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the second boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The woman in the lower right of the vid looks very interested in what she's doing.

OK, search as I might I could not find a "law" stating anglers "must" kill snakeheads, just repeated statements that tell you how to kill them and Maryland doesn't want them in their waters. Dissatisfied with my searches I sent a email to Maryland DNR asking for information with the understanding that their answer would be posted here. Please note: the term "possess" (on the water) is defined as having the fish within the gunnels (sides) of the boat. Here is the DNR response. START QUOTE "Hello - - - -, There is a web of state and federal regulations on snakeheads. I hope that my explanation will be more clarifying than it will be confusing. The federal regulations are found at 50 CFR 16.13 - you may not import, transport, or acquire live snakeheads. I won't speculate on how the feds use those words, as they may well be different from how we use those words. In Maryland, the restrictions are found at COMAR 08.02.19.06. Specifically, see sections C and D: C. Except as provided in §D of this regulation, a person may not possess the viable eggs or live snakehead fish of the species: (1) Blotched snakehead (Channa maculata); and (2) Northern snakehead (Channa argus). D. The Department may issue a permit for the possession of a live snakehead fish for scientific purposes to a properly accredited person of known scientific attainment. So an individual MAY NOT possess a live snakehead if they do not have a permit issued to them by the Department. There is NOT a requirement that a snakehead be killed upon capture, but the only two options someone has are to 1) return the fish immediately to the water or 2) kill it. There are no other options. In addition to any federal laws which someone may be in violation of (as we do not work for USFWS I would decline to interpret the federal regulations or speculate on what the possible penalty would be), someone in possession of a live snakehead would be subject to a minimum fine in Maryland of: $750 for 1-3 fish, $1,000 for 4-10 fish, and would be required to appear in court for 11 or more fish. The maximum fine in Maryland for any snakehead violation, regardless of the number of fish is $25,000." END QUOTE Hope this helps.

"What can you do? If you catch a northern snakehead, kill it and DO NOT put it back in the water. If the snakehead has a tag, measure the length, make note of the exact location of capture, and call the toll free number printed on the tag. Information that you provide is important in determining control and management strategies." Bottom of the page at: http://dnr2.maryland.gov/fisheries/Pages/snakehead.aspx This is just one of many Maryland DNR statements.