Hi, Love!
I hope that this reply is helpful.
I hope that I might be able to contribute to this conversation as
A) I am the NON-fishing girlfriend of a bass fishing addict (Perhaps I can offer insight into your girlfriend's feelings)
B ) I am a Doctoral Candidate in Clinical Psychology and do A LOT of couples therapy with clients (maybe I can give you relationship advice)
and
C) My boyfriend has turned me into a fishing enthusiast--- and I will lay out for you EXACTLY the way that he did it.
Allow me to begin by saying that the people on this forum are simply awesome and I am sure that you will receive a ton of suggestions and support-- I cannot begin to tell you how, through one post, these folk made me a part of their community.
I guess when I read your post, something inside of me told me that the complaints aren't really about the money that you are spending on your fishing toys. After all, I'm a girl who knows the importance of haircuts every 6 weeks to keep from getting split ends (About $70 a time for me) and getting our nails done once a month (to the tune of $8-$40). I just feel as if there must be something deeper driving her dislike of your fishing spending habits, and, if it were me, I think it would all come down to priorities. If I felt that fishing was taking precedence over me, and that my boyfriend had clearly disclosed from the start that fishing was non-negotiable, I would find a passive aggressive way to get back at fishing and reclaim my man!
I had never been fishing prior to my boyfriend and had no interest in fishing, and yet, he has TOTALLY changed my attitude toward the sport.
Following is my account of being exposed to fishing, and all of the things that he did to make me mandate that he fish.
I have highlighted take home points in blue.
How My Boyfriend Keeps Me Hooked on Being Happy About Fishing
Those of us who haven't been exposed to fishing can be really overwhelmed, and perhaps even threatened, when first learning to interact with someone who fishes avidly.
Although I am young, I feel relatively competent to engage people in conversations about almost anything.
The beauty of being in college (assuming that she is in college, too), is that you are learning new things everyday and are growing more self assured in your ability to interact with the world.
Here I am, in graduate school, able to switch back and forth from talking to a three year old client to talking to their neurosurgeon when, all of the sudden, out of the blue, I met this really terrific guy.
I eagerly attempted to engage him in conversation, only to learn that I had NOT A CLUE what he was talking about.
We were sitting at dinner on our first or second date and all he could talk about was punching and making frogs walk and drop-shot something or rather...
I felt like he was speaking a different language, entirely, and went home and told my mother that, although he was a stellar guy, I would not go out with him again.
That is when he got me hooked.
Take Away Point: To non-fishers, fishing is a foreign language- How can she be excited about something that she doesn't understand? Make your excitement contagious and talk to her in terms that she gets, even if you aren't using the correct terminology, yet. My boyfriend says things like "walking the frog on the water is doing the same thing that you do when you try to get your cat to play with a string. You want them to jump after it like a shark!" That is a whole lot more helpful than any technical description.
I couldn't help but admire his absolute passion for fishing- this wasn't just some hobby for him, fishing was the love of his life.
I started asking him what he later coined "dissertation questions" about fishing: "When did you first learn that you love fishing?", "What is your funniest fishing story", and then the kicker, "What does fishing mean to you?".
I learned that his first ever memory was of eating an apple while strapped in a baby carrier to his dad's back while he fished, that his favorite childhood memory was the time he and his grandfather went fishing and his grandpa got a bite and threw the sandwich that he was eating in the air, and that the time when he feels most connected to God and does his best thinking is when he is out on the water.
I was so mesmerized by his absolute joy in telling me his fishing stories, and to learn that fishing to him isn't just waiting for the next big bite, its the way that he stays connected to his family traditions and gets back in touch with his inner little boy.
Take Away Point: Know what fishing means to you and explain it to her- but do it with enthusiasm. Just "I fish because I like it" isn't going to cut it. There is a reason that you get out of your warm bed to sit in a boat in the freezing cold before the sun rises and while sane people are all in bed snuggling with their favorite persons. Your girl wants to be close to you- I suggest to you the formula for intimacy, "Into Me I See". In other words, know thyself and then explain it to her with passion.
I think that the way that my boyfriend made fishing so endearing to me was watching that little boy come out, every time he fishes.
It feels like he can't wait to see me and to tell me, with such excitement, about every bite that he got, what he was doing, and what happened next.
My boyfriend is 9 years older than me, and yet, every weekend that he fishes (or should I say, every weekend), I get to see him like a kid about to go to Disneyland.
Take Away Point: People fish because they LOVE fishing- and your girl loves it when you are happy! When you talk about fishing, talk about it with all of the excitement that you feel on the inside. If fishing for you, every time, is like going to Disneyland, your girl will be so excited to see you excited!
Turning My Attitude Toward Fishing Around
I'll be perfectly honest and say that, sometimes, I get jealous of his fishing.
Again fishing was, and perhaps still is, the love of his life.
I never told him that, particularly in the start of our relationship, I felt like I was just getting the left overs when it came to him.
I felt like fishing came first- and I grew angry. I suspect that this is what your girlfriend is experiencing.
I mean, I absolutely got the sloppy seconds- the guy would work during the week and I have evening classes, so when he would spend half of his weekend fishing, I felt completely unimportant.
I don't know if he sensed it or if it was just good timing on his behalf, but all of the sudden, just when I was starting to feel hurt, he started making a BIG DEAL about keeping me involved in his fishing life.
I have broken this down into a cognitive behavioral chart of sorts, outlining how his behaviors influenced my thoughts/feelings and the way that I would react in the future:
His Action
I made him cookies once for a fishing tournament and he made a huge deal about how wonderful they were and how he shared with all of his fishing buddies and it made it the best fishing day, ever (which was a gross exaggeration--- I do not have the gift of cooking or baking and he and his fishing partner coming in 2nd in the tournament had NOTHING to do with the Nestle chocolate chips that I used)
My Feelings
I am completely special and when he eats cookies and is fishing, he is thinking of me and sharing about me with his fishing buddies- who I have yet to meet.
My Result
I now bake a couple dozed cookies for every tournament for his club buddies, without fail, and bake him something special every time he fishes (every weekend). I also can't wait for out of town tournaments where I get to bake several kinds of goodies so that there is something different for them, every day. How many other girlfriends can honestly say they are excited to have their guy out of town? His making a big deal about the baking, even though I'm sure he could have used those scones as sinkers, made me feel like a billion bucks.
His Actions
When my boyfriend goes fishing, he takes his phone and keeps in touch with me. While he doesn't do this during tournaments, which is completely acceptable, I think it is so sweet that he will send me an occasional message with a picture of the fish that he caught or the sea lion that he saw or the pretty sunrise that he watched from his boat. He has even gotten into the habit of "naming" the fish that he catches and releases, just because he knows that if I were in the boat with him, that is what I would do. It cracks me up that he comes home and says "I caught Daryl punching in the tullies, and Sharlene near the concrete pillars".
My Feelings
He is taking pictures of things that he knows that I would like, and naming fish, like I would like to do, while he is doing his favorite thing on earth. Fishing may be the love of his life, but he is thinking of me while he is fishing, which makes me almost equal
My Actions
Naturally, I want him to fish more. Hello?! If he is positively pairing me with fishing- I can't think of a way to be more flattered.
His Actions
He loves to get good deals on his tackle, and yes, like you, he does a lot of shopping. Instead of doing it all while I'm not around, he invites me along and makes it a date. He takes me somewhere fun that I would like, like the park or to dinner, and then we make our way to the fishing store together. I get to meet his fishing buddies that we bump into, play with the dog in the store, and spend time seeing him super excited to try something new. For fishing novices like me, it seems like bait is bait. What's the big deal anyway?... He takes time to explain to me the "action" associated with every bait, even if it makes us both look like idiots standing in the store. He also makes a game of who can find the specific piece of tackle that he is looking for the fastest, which challenges me to remember what the heck a crank bait even looks like. He even lets me win every now and then.
My Feelings
He is letting me into his world and wants to teach me all about his favorite thing on earth. Not only that, but I get to see how excited he looks when he is finding new things.
My Actions
I LOVE FISHING STORE DATE DAYS! I even request them! If we go through withdrawals from going to the store, he will pull out his tackle boxes and let me ask him any question that I want about a bait. He randomly tests me about his tackle and bait and makes a huge deal out of it when I get things right. As a result I learn that NOT ALL TACKLE AND BAIT IS THE SAME and the reason that he needs to be making so many purchases.
His Actions
My boyfriend and I live about 45 minutes away from one another, and so my driving to visit him, I thought, should be worth my time and gas. How is that possible when he fishes half of the day and then has all of his household to do lists when he comes home? Because of this, I started staying over Friday evenings. He leaves before I wake up, I do his laundry, clean his toilets and make him lunch while he is gone, and he comes back in the afternoon/ early evening to spend time with me. I guess the most important part of this is that I LOVE doing his household chores while he is gone. When he comes home he is so appreciative of my help around his house, and thanks me both verbally and by taking the rest of his day to spend quality time with me- whether that is allowing me to snuggle with him on the couch while he watches TV and I read or taking me somewhere special. He pairs positive reinforcement (Both verbal praise and demonstrative gestures) with my doing his chores and now I can't wait for the weekend and to say hello to his washing machine!
My Thoughts
When he gets home from fishing he is a happier person, when I help to maintain his house he is a happier person. Both fishing and I make him happy, and I am important enough to him that he does the things that I like to do when he gets home without complaining.
My Actions
Honestly, if he misses a weekend fishing, I ORDER him to go fishing at the next possible opportunity. Fishing is ABSOLUTELY VITAL to our relationship. Also, I purchase him new things to try so that he goes out more frequently. I currently have a stockpile of the things that I know that he likes (Senkos, green pumpkin black flake, etc) in a corner of my room--- I love to surprise him every once in a while with the things that I know that he loves.
When it comes to relationships, it is important to make frequent deposits in each other's emotional bank accounts. By making sure that she knows how important she is to you and telling her frequently (and not just when you are in trouble or want something), you put her mind at ease. Did you know that in order to repair even one negative statement it takes five positive statements? Interact with her positively, show her how passionate you are about fishing and invite her into your world. By pairing positive reinforcement with your fishing and fishing purchases, you influence the way that she will interact with you and fishing in the future. In order for your relationship to thrive, you have to have a strong foundation. I suggest that you talk to her often about all of the positives of fishing and let her know how important both she and your favorite pastime are to you. The roadmap to relationship happiness is paved with positive experiences and good communication- and, at least in my relationship, fishing is vital to our happiness as a couple.
I hope that this helps.
