Depression

[gardnerjigman]

Got a buddy of mine that I've been trying to dig out of a hole for awhile now. He has some good days, but seems if one thing goes wrong then everything will go wrong. Honestly scares me how low he gets. Never has talked or led me to think he has considered suicide.

I'm turning to you guys for some input... As I'm unsure where else to go at the moment.

He works a pretty high stress job, is married and has 3 kids, and honestly has everything he could ask for... When he gets down he stops caring about bills, relationships etc. Pushes his wife away, and pays little to know attention to the kids.

He broke down to me this morning (showed up at my work) and said he doesn't know what is wrong with him. Said he can't brighten up or anything.

Anyone have any experience. Does he go to a doc, get on anti depressants or what? He is honestly going to lose everything from family to possessions over this. Thanks all.

[Raider Nation Fisher]

Go to a doc. Meds can help.

[ABW]

Take him to a therapist. It is a good sign that he isn't keeping this bottled up inside of him.. that means he is trying to fight it.

 

Also, if he gets time off work, take him fishing if you haven't already. Don't know why but for some reason fishing brings me peace in my mind. I'm sure it helps others too.

 

Best of luck.

[K_Mac]

Your friend needs professional help. Help him get it. Without help this doesn't end well. Good luck. I will keep him and you in my prayers.

[F14A-B]

Is he a Vet.? He could be sitting on a secret, that's eating him alive. Geez, I really don't know what to say.. It almost sounds like Bi- Polar disorder. Manic deppression.. Don't know how long this has been going on but I'm sure you have a feel for it. He needs to talk openly to a Dr. Who may refer him as needed.

[I.rar]

Get him to see a therapist first before going to meds. They can diagnose and possibly work with him without the drugs. I've been to those dark places growing up and it definitely helps to have someone to talk to.

[Dyerbassman]

I have worked with and have personal experience with situations like this. He is looking for help by telling you how he feels. Offer to take him to a doctor. Find one for him. Sometimes a litttle medicine to take the edge off and a person to talk to will work wonders. Believe me, the longer you wait, the harder it is. Talk to his wife, too, if possible. She what she knows/thinks.

[plumworm]

X2 on the fact that he came to you. Reaching out, is a cry for help. He realizes that something is very wrong and you need to do something quickly. Do you know his wife and can you talk to her? Do you think he would be willing to see a doctor?  Do you think he is getting desperate? Don't  try to judge  his thoughts re: suicide unless you are willing to accept the results. Depression is a evil demon and treatment is available but, you need to explore all the options available. SOON. Talk to him as often as possible and drag him into an emergency room if you need to.

[Dyerbassman]

Meds can work wonders. And being able to speak your mind. Get him help

[gardnerjigman]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm gonna take tomorrow off and spend the day with him. See if he will open up a bit more. I'm also going to call the counselor at our church, see if he can help or refer us to somebody. Do I try to just stay supportive and soft, or do I try to "snap" him out of it during this process?

[Bluebasser86]

If we had someone with those signs at work they'd be on suicide watch, your friend needs professional help.

[corn-on-the-rob]

I have dealt with some moderate depression and pretty severe anxiety semi-recently. I was life-threateningly ill a few years back and the depression stemmed from that. My best advice is as follows:

 

Do your best to listen, and really listen hard, which means do your best not to talk. It sounds slightly counter intuitive but even if you have to sit next to him in silence until he says something, do it. Never interrupt him to tell him your advice or "how to fix" something, it can be extremely discouraging, just let him talk it out then talk potential solutions but let him have the control. The worst thing you can do is say something offensive or condescendiing then have him clamshell up on you. It isn't easy not matter how easy it might seem.

 

Often times the problem is not logical even to the depressed person so the obvious solution may be extremely hard for the person to do even though "they know". In this case, a friendly yet firm kick in the butt can be the answer.

 

The best thing you can do is tell him you are there for him, and want to help him, but try not to say that you understand. Unless you are him, in his exact situation, you truly don't understand and it can discourage/upset him if you say that you know exactly how he feels. Say that you will try to understand the best you can and would like to see him get better.

 

The biggest thing that helped me out of the hole was that I realized that waiting for something to change was not going to happen. If I wanted something to be different, I had to change it.

 

 

EDIT: also, yes get him professional help and don't let him give you the whole "I wont take psych meds" spiel. If he is really resistant tell him to just give them chance and if he doesn't like them then he can quit them or try another one. They are like any other medicine, they correct an imbalance, and should not be treated differently.

[Darren.]

Agree with professional help suggestions.

 

I applaud you wanting to take him to your church

for help, but sometimes the best "medicine" is 

real medicine to get his head straight, or at least 

to a place where he can think more clearly.

[jbsoonerfan]

My uncle suffered from depression. He had seen a Dr and was prescribed meds. He was fine for a number of years and quite pleasant to be around. He loved to fish and was very knowledgeable. However he was a very "to himself" kind of guy. He didn't lime to go out in public and didn't associate with many people outside our family. We lost him 2 years ago this July after he took his own life. Depression is a very serious thing and sometimes people are battling demons that most of us can't fathom. Be there for him and talk to him. He may or may not be willing to go to a Dr, but if he will talk, listen and tell him that you are willing to help him anyway you can. Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Sam]

You are not a "rescuerer."

 

Do not try to rescue him.

 

Guide him to his family doctor for help.

 

His family doctor has basic training in mental health issues and can send him to a psychologist.

 

If the psychologist thinks he needs deeper treatment your friend will be sent to a psychiatrist.

 

Be there for support but do not try to rescue him.

 

You will not be successful and you will then create unnecessary guilt on yourself.

[buzzed bait]

 Do I try to just stay supportive and soft, or do I try to "snap" him out of it during this process?

 

just be you.....

guide him and help him toward someone who knows how to help him, but don't offer any personal opinions or advice unless solicited for it. 

good on you for realizing the signs that many ignore....  just be a friend and offer assistance where he will allow....

[matuka]

Get him to see a therapist first before going to meds. They can diagnose and possibly work with him without the drugs. I've been to those dark places growing up and it definitely helps to have someone to talk to.

Seriously sounds like he needs both. When you mention the S------ word, haste is appropriate.

[gardnerjigman]

Having a great day so far. He has opened up a lot. Seems his dad committed suicide when he was a teenager... Had no clue. He said his wife doesn't even know. I feel terrible for him.

On the bright side, he made an apt with his doctor and is going to talk to him about anxiety and depression. I'm very proud of him for that. Apt is Tuesday, and his wife is taking him. I think he has just bottled everything up since he was young and it's finally running over.

I'll update after the appointment. Thanks for all the advice and prayers for him.

[Darren.]

Having a great day so far. He has opened up a lot. Seems his dad committed suicide when he was a teenager... Had no clue. He said his wife doesn't even know. I feel terrible for him.

On the bright side, he made an apt with his doctor and is going to talk to him about anxiety and depression. I'm very proud of him for that. Apt is Tuesday, and his wife is taking him. I think he has just bottled everything up since he was young and it's finally running over.

I'll update after the appointment. Thanks for all the advice and prayers for him.

 

Well that can explain a lot. Very tough to deal

with suicides and keep feelings inside, wondering

all along about if you are prone to it, too.

 

Glad he's looking for help from a doc, too.

 

And good you're there for him, also!

[Dwight Hottle]

Having a great day so far. He has opened up a lot. Seems his dad committed suicide when he was a teenager... Had no clue. He said his wife doesn't even know. I feel terrible for him.

On the bright side, he made an apt with his doctor and is going to talk to him about anxiety and depression. I'm very proud of him for that. Apt is Tuesday, and his wife is taking him. I think he has just bottled everything up since he was young and it's finally running over.

I'll update after the appointment. Thanks for all the advice and prayers for him.

That's great. Sounds like you guys will better friends going forward.

[F14A-B]

Yup, I'd say he is already moving forward, Your a good friend...

[gardnerjigman]

Heading to the driving range to take out some aggression on golf balls! 

[Ratherbfishing]

Even some of the most influencial and respected people have struggled with depression.  Winston Churchill described it as his "black dog."

 

While I'm sure your friendship to him is invaluable, don't think you can (or should) try to "snap him out of it."  Don't take this wrong but if that were possible, it would have probably already been done.  Depression is much different than having a bad day, or week.

 

Many people seem to respond best to a combination of therapy (group and/or individual counseling) and anti-depressants.  Peope too often try to separate the mind from the body and believe that it's either "just biological" or "just psychological" when, in fact, it is usually both.  The two are intricately connected and almost indistinguishable.  Regarding meds, sometimes certain chemicals (SSRI's, tricyclics, MAOI's, etc) that work for some people don't always work for others and there is generally a "trial period" which can be-in and of itself-quite trying.  Patience may be necessary so don't let him get discouraged when results aren't immediate or with the first drug.

 

Because you are writing and not him, one thing I suggest is that YOU also take care of yourself.  Helping a depressed person can sap a lot of energy out you.  And if (I pray it doesn't happen) he should ever choose to take his own life DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!

 

My prayers go out to both of you (and his family).

[retiredbosn]

Having a great day so far. He has opened up a lot. Seems his dad committed suicide when he was a teenager... Had no clue. He said his wife doesn't even know. I feel terrible for him.

On the bright side, he made an apt with his doctor and is going to talk to him about anxiety and depression. I'm very proud of him for that. Apt is Tuesday, and his wife is taking him. I think he has just bottled everything up since he was young and it's finally running over.

I'll update after the appointment. Thanks for all the advice and prayers for him.

You being there for him means more than you'll ever know. Just listen don't try to fix anything, just getting it out so to speak will do allot. When I was pastoring churches I dealt with this type of thing all the time. I had a trusted therapist that I referred ppl to. Not your job to fix it, just listen. Glad he is going to a doctor, hopefully he'll find the help he needs. If he is a church member suggest he talk to the Pastor, if not just keep doing what u are. Once he opens up deals with everything sees a professional he'll be ok.

[gardnerjigman]

Driving range was great. He was laughing and having a good time. His wife met us there about half way through and she joined in. Was cute to watch them laugh and flirt (they've been married for 12 years). He went back in to get another bucket of balls and she told me that this is one of the best times she has seen him in probably 5 years, that she can actually see happiness in his eyes rather than looking like a zombie. Honestly made me want to cry. We are going to invite them over this weekend to grill and watch some movies. Try to keep the momentum high until Tuesday for the doc visit. 

 

Again guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice and good wishes. You guys are great!